1: Buy a Sophie la Giraffe. Not because it’s popular or the ‘done thing’, or even because of any supposed benefits to your child during teething (because let’s face it, nothing really reduces that particular misery for anyone involved). Buy it because it’s made of that satisfyingly semi-soft plastic, and you can crush its little head in your bare hands when things get a bit too much.
2: Hide all photos of yourself pre-baby looking happy/with friends/looking thin. These will only serve to increase your misery and self-loathing. Instead, go on the internet, find and then print off pictures of biscuits and cakes, and put them up around your house. These are your only true friends now, you might as well welcome them in to your life with open arms.
3: While you’re at it, you might as well cover up any mirrors you have. Even when you think you look good, this new ‘good’ is the equivalent of ‘shit’ from the old days. Luckily the person you will spend most of your time with can’t speak/doesn’t care/prefers it when you’re covered in porridge and sick anyway.
4: Make sure you know all the various Neighbours start times, and the channels showing it, just in case you’re out/cleaning up a poo explosion/have a power cut during your usual viewing time. Missing an episode is like the equivalent of missing an amazing night out with every single one of your best friends that you don’t even have to pay for. It is unthinkable. Toadie has become like a second husband to me, such is my emotional attachment to him. Don’t get me started about the jeopardy surrounding his recent car accident (he was run over by a grandmother having a heart attack because she had just discovered her estranged granddaughter – who she gave away at birth in an illegal adoption and told the baby’s mother, her daughter, the baby had died – was living in Ramsey Street using a false identity to spy on her family). I was on the edge of my seat, the fear of losing Toadie, it’s just too much to bear. In case you’re wondering – c5 13:45 and17:30, c5+1 14:45 and 18:30, 5* 15:00 and 19:00. Sometimes I watch it at all these times. And then I watch some old episodes on YouTube too. Please don’t tell anyone, I know I have a problem.
5: Find the wangy-est, tinny-est, most awful and annoying version of ‘I’m a little teapot’ and set it as your ringtone. Being that it is used on EVERY ‘musical’ toy available (you know the kind of toys I’m talking about here, the ones your kid is magnetically attracted to, despite your best efforts to hide/bin/burn the bloody things), it will become the soundtrack to your life, so you might as well embrace it. When my phone goes now I start humming along and mouthing the words to the nearest person whilst smiling like a maniac. Regardless of whether or not Baby R is with me.
Obviously this list was written as a silly little something to make you smile, and I am in no way suggesting this as a way to live your life. Please just laugh, be happy, and do what you need to do to get through each day!